Just because you're on a low carb diet doesn't mean you can never enjoy carbs again. :) Here are some neat, alternative ways to enjoy all your favorite, sinfully carbo-licious treats -- guilt free!
Create a (very) temporary toupee…
2. Your daughter's extra Halloween candy that you don't want her to have…
Tell your daughter you're going to do a science experiment. Heat a pot of boiling water and throw in the candy until it all dissolves. Wait. Your daughter will soon ask "what's next, Mom (or Dad)?" At this point, sigh and pretend to get really flustered. You forgot how the experiment's supposed to go! Cry together with your daughter. Soothe her with a healthy stick of paleo jerky…
3. Skinny non-fat de-caf vanilla soy latte
Pour down the drain to instantly return your testosterone levels to normal.
4. Those awesome dinner rolls they serve at that Italian place you love.
Pick at the rolls to turn them into rudimentary handpuppets. Insist on talking exclusively "as the puppets" for the whole meal. Great for first dates and business meetings!
5. That weird cereal from Europe made from fiber-and-twigs that's supposed to keep you regular.
Return it to the woods.
Bake into delicious banana bread… which you also can't eat. (Sigh.)
7. Pretzels (the hard, cardboard-tasting kind that you'll still eat mindlessly "just because they're there")
Wait for the next Casual Friday at work. Go totally naked, except for pretzels glued strategically over your private parts. When your boss/coworkers complain, feign outrage. "What's the point of Casual Friday if we can't dress like we do at home?!" you'll say. Storm out. From now on, prepare to be treated with a lot more respect.
(the soft, warm kind covered with salt crystals the size of God's tears)
For the cash-strapped, would-be fiancée: Squeeze the dough into a ring shape. Let harden. Paint with silver paint, so it looks like a ring with a giant 2.3 karat diamond (actually just a salt crystal!) Take your girl to a scenic bridge. Propose. Show the ring from a distance, so she can't inspect it. As she swoons, a gust of wind "accidentally" blows the ring off the bridge into the river below, where it conveniently dissolves or gets eaten by snails. Oops - you didn't have a chance to insure it! Be stoic and insist on getting her a "temporary" replacement ring. Go to a cheapo store, like Zales, and buy her a tiny ring, one you can actually afford. She'll love it! Bonus: all of her friends will think you're romantic for getting her two rings!!
9. Bucket of movie theater popcorn
Remove the down from your pillow and replace it with popcorn for the most interesting night of sleep of your life.
10. O.J. from concentrate
Make a really, really basic kaleidoscope.
11. Radioactive-neon-orange-green soda (generic)
Brine cucumbers in it to create psychedelic pickles.
12. Doughnut holes
Use as bean bag chairs for the miniature people you create with your shrinking machine.
13. Monstrously huge, stale Rice Krispie treat you got at the gas station during a roadtrip last year but never got around to throwing away.
Time capsule it to the year 2,557, so your great-great… x37-great-great grandchild will have something to nosh on after the Robo-Holocaust of 2556 destroys the world's food supply.
Slice it in half to make silly glasses!
15. Industrial vat of mac 'n cheese
Mix with other random stuff in your fridge to make a nasty soup of goo. This is now your "carb go-to." When you feel carb cravings, you must first eat your way through the tub of goo before you're allowed to eat any other carbs. Great way to stay on the Atkins wagon!
16. "Healthy" green drink that contains the poo of the sea
Leave out, un-refrigerated, on the desk of a guy at work you don't like. Bacteria will multiply inside and release gas, causing the bottle to swell and explode, soaking his stuff with green yuck. As Nelson from The Simpsons would say: Ha Ha.
17. Those awful hard candies that your grandma always had lying around
Microwave them. What's the worst that can happen?
Liked those cartoons? If so, I've got more for you!
Check out Betty Says “Bye Bye” to Bad Carbs!
And the sequel... The Carbs Strike Back!
Also, if you're interested, grab a copy of The Low Carber's Survival Guide, my eBook that surfaces and addresses the 8 main obstacles that make it such a royal pain to live low carb while trapped in our "high carb" world. It's a companion piece meant to supplement other great books in the genre. It comes with two very cool exclusive bonus interviews with strength trainer, Fred Hahn, and science journalist, Gary Taubes. 30% of profits will be donated to the Nutritional Science Initiative (NuSI). Thanks!… [more]